The Surprising Way We Repeat Our Painful Patterns
Healing is a process that many of us undertake with the hope of leaving our past pains behind and embracing a future of well-being and peace. However, what if I told you that sometimes, in our quest for healing, we inadvertently trap ourselves in new/old patterns of pain? The surprising way we repeat our painful patterns lies in the misconception that rigidity and strict rules equate to healing. In reality, true healing comes from self-compassion and flexibility.
The Illusion of Control Through Rigidity
When we’ve been hurt, it's natural to seek control. Control promises safety, predictability, and the illusion that we can prevent future pain. We create strict rules and rigid routines, believing that these will protect us. For example, someone who has been hurt in relationships might decide never to be vulnerable again, adhering strictly to this self-imposed rule to avoid potential heartbreak.
Similarly, someone recovering from an eating disorder might adhere to a rigid diet, thinking that strict control over food intake will ensure their recovery. But in both cases, this rigidity can become its own form of prison, keeping us from the very healing we seek. We trade one painful pattern for another, calling it healed.
The Role of Self-Compassion
True healing begins with self-compassion. Self-compassion allows us to recognize that we are human, that we make mistakes, and that we deserve kindness and understanding—especially from ourselves. When we approach our pain with compassion, we are more likely to be patient with ourselves, to allow ourselves the space to feel and process emotions, and to avoid harsh self-judgment.
Instead of saying, “I must never feel sad again,” we can say, “It’s okay to feel sad sometimes. What do I need to support myself through this?” This shift from rigidity to compassion opens the door to genuine healing, as it acknowledges our humanity and fosters a nurturing environment for growth.
Embracing Flexibility
Flexibility is another cornerstone of healing. Life is unpredictable, and rigid rules often fail us when faced with its inevitable twists and turns. Flexibility, on the other hand, allows us to adapt, to find balance, and to respond to life’s challenges with resilience.
Imagine a tree in a storm. A rigid tree might snap under the pressure of the wind, but a flexible tree bends and sways, remaining intact despite the tempest. Similarly, when we are flexible, we can bend with life’s challenges without breaking. We can adjust our strategies, find new ways to cope, and continue moving forward even when things don’t go according to plan.
The Healing Power of Self-Compassion and Flexibility
Combining self-compassion and flexibility creates a powerful foundation for healing. Self-compassion provides the emotional support we need to face our pain without adding to it with self-criticism. Flexibility allows us to navigate life’s uncertainties without becoming trapped in new patterns of pain.
So, how can we cultivate these qualities in our healing process?
1. Practice Self-Compassion Daily: Make a habit of speaking to yourself with kindness. When you notice self-critical thoughts, gently challenge them and replace them with compassionate ones.
2. Embrace Imperfection: Understand that healing is not a linear process, and setbacks are a natural part of the experience. Allow yourself to be imperfect and learn from each experience.
3. Be Adaptable: Allow yourself to change your approach as needed. What worked yesterday might not work today, and that’s okay. Stay open to new methods and strategies.
4. Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who encourage your self-compassion and flexibility. Therapy, support groups, and understanding friends can be invaluable resources.
5. Reflect and Adjust: Regularly take time to reflect on your healing efforts. Are your current strategies helping or hindering you? Be willing to adjust as needed.
Healing is not about punishing ourselves into compliance with strict rules and rigid patterns. It’s about embracing self-compassion and flexibility, allowing ourselves to grow and adapt in a nurturing environment. By letting go of the need for control and instead fostering kindness towards ourselves, we can break free from repeating our painful patterns and move towards true healing. Remember, you cannot punish yourself into healing, but with self-compassion and flexibility, you can create a path to genuine, lasting well-being.
Warmly,
Annalise
Located in Salt Lake City, Utah, and seeking mental health services? Let’s connect!
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